Saving Grace
by SneetchesToo
Summary: Ethan didn't want to want her as much as he did.


**Title:** Saving Grace  
 **Author:** SneetchesToo  
 **Rating:** Teen(ish)  
 **Pairing:** Ethan/Rox  
 **Summary:** Ethan didn't want to want her as bad as he did.  
 **Author's Note:** I am trash for this ship and I am so, so sorry. *Spoilers for 3x10-3x13*

Rox is everything he's ever needed. And she's everything he's ever wanted. And she's all wrapped into one beautiful, sassy, obnoxious package. And he can't seem to get enough.

He doesn't want to want her as bad as he does. In fact, he doesn't even want to fathom how badly his body wants her. But not only that, his heart and his mind and his everything are drawn to her. Like a moth to a flame. He's been drawn in, and he doesn't know how to pull himself out.

He's never been one for relationships. He was always much more of a loner than Robert was. Not always by choice, but mostly. He was married to his work, is what Robert always said, and he had never denied it. Sure there had been women in the past. A few who had been brave enough to put up with his chaotic soul. But none of them had ever stuck it out, not more than a few months anyway.

His first adult girlfriend had been sweet. She was quiet and shy and Robert always said that he never understood how they worked. Her name was Rachel and she had been a kindergarten teacher. They had dated six months before it had gotten to be too much for her. She wrote him a letter and left it on his front porch. She had told him how incredibly sorry she had been that she couldn't do it anymore, that she wasn't strong enough to do it. He had laughed before balling up the letter and tossing it in the trash. No one was strong enough for this life, but somehow, some people made it work.

His next relationship of any worth had been five years later. He was twenty-eight and they met while he was in London. She was a photographer with a free spirit. They had spent fourteen months back and forth with each other. He had wondered at one point if Emma was going to be the girl he married. Until he caught her having sex with her editor, in his apartment. He had come back early to surprise her for her birthday. Turns out, he was the only one who got a surprise that night.

He had dated off and on in the years in between, his service in Afghanistan making it hard, but nothing of any value had ever come from it. There had been a waitress from Houston while he had been stationed in Texas for a few months. And a friend of Robert's when he had gotten back to LA. Both of them had been crazy as fuck and Ethan had sworn off women after the last one stalked him for a week because he broke up with her. He had told his brother that he didn't need that kind of drama in his life. He had just laughed and said that he thought that that was exactly what he needed.

Robert had passed away a few weeks after that, and he had fled back over seas in an attempt to get away from his father. There had been no relationships since then. In fact, until he had come to Angels, there hadn't been any women in his life. He had been brave enough at one time to go on a few dates with some friend of Noa's, but again, the woman was a mess, and it didn't last long enough for him to even have sex with her, for which he honestly wasn't that disappointed.

He had fallen for Leanne within weeks of arriving at Angels, and they went out a few times. But then Ariel arrived and she said she had needed space and while it almost broke his heart in two, he had been understanding and respectful of that choice. He cared for her deeply, and in some way, he probably always would, but he had gotten to know the teen's plight in the weeks leading up to their break-up, and he wanted nothing more than for her to get the home she needed. As much as it had hurt, he had walked away, knowing that they needed each other more than they would ever need him.

But then Rox had come along. And his entire world had been flipped upside down. She was gorgeous, downright beautiful, and he hadn't been able to take his eyes off of her since the moment they met. She made him laugh, most of the time without even trying, and he had more fun with her than he had ever had with any of the other women he had been with before.

She didn't take him to seriously either, something that his father had once joked was exactly what he needed in his life. He knew that he drove her crazy, that there were times where she wanted to strangle him, but he could see the want in her eyes. The desire for something more. He knew that look because he knew that he was staring right back at her with the same expression on his face.

At first he had figured that she would kick him off the rig immediately, but he must have grown on her, because six months went by and before she seemed to show even the slightest hit at being tired of him. They had learned how to work together, how to balance each other out, how to trust one enough. And he was thankful that she had given him all the chances in the world.

Things hadn't been easy the past few weeks though. After she had gone to the funeral with him and his dad things had seemed to spiral out of control, and he had fallen apart right along with them. He had shut her out after that, pushing her as far away as possible, his heart afraid to let her in and then lose her too. He had yelled at her, stabbed her in the heart with his words, and he had seen the heartbreak in her eyes after she had told him that she had had enough. She was just trying to be helpful and he had been a first rate asshole to her. He knew it wasn't fair, but in that moment, his grief had taken over.

But then she had been hit by that drunk driver, and his whole world had come crashing down around him. He hadn't expected his heart to stop beating at those words, his body forgetting how to breathe as he wondered if he had lost her forever. He had been by her side day and night after that, refusing to leave her until she was back in his arms again. He had pushed everyone else away at the cost of keeping her. He wondered if he would regret it someday.

"Penny for your thoughts." Her voice was soft, carrying through the darkness of his bedroom like a whisp of air. He hadn't even realized she had been awake and he wondered how long she had been laying there with her eyes closed.

He had been watching her sleep, as creepy as that sounded, but ever since they had gotten home from San Diego he had been unable to let her out of his sight. She had come to him last night, the color having returned to her beautiful face, her body finally starting to heal from her accident, and he had been unable to deny her.

She said she just wanted to be near him, that his company was all she had come here seeking. But then his hands had been in her hair and her lips were soft against his and he had been lost in everything about her. He had lead her upstairs timidly, like he was about to do this for the very first time. But for him, he had felt exactly like that. This had been the first time he would make love to a woman who he cared about this much. A woman that he loved. And he had been both excited and terrified out of his mind.

They had taken their time, him out of fear of breaking her, her out of fear of it all being a dream. When they had finally settled back against the pillows, their bodies both far too exhausted from the events of the past two weeks to even fathom something as daring as a shower, he had tucked her against his side tightly. She fit like she belonged there, like she was always meant to lay in that spot beside him, like she was made for him. He had felt his heart start to race again at the concept. He had never been one to believe in soul mates, but dammit if she didn't make him want too.

"Ethan." Her soft voice called once more, her fingers moving from their place on his chest to rest against his cheek. He shifted his gaze back down to her, his eyes watering at the sight of her in his bed. If you had asked him eight months ago if this would have been possible he would have laughed in your face.

"Hm?" He couldn't get his brain to function enough to form words. Not when she was laying there with her brown hair a mess against his pillow, her eyes soft in the moonlight.

"Everything okay?" She whispered. She let out a soft whimper as she rolled to her side and he tugged her closer with a soft hush. He hated that she was still in pain and that there was nothing he could do for her. The doctors had told her to rest, which he thought was funny, because he didn't know if that word was even in her vocabulary.

"Yeah." He whispered his response as he dropped a kiss against her sweat covered forehead. "Just got a little lost there for a minute."

"Anywhere good?" He could see the mischievous smile on her face, her fingers moving to tangle in his hair as she pulled his head downward.

"Not quite." He pressed his lips to hers softly, his hand moving to steady her head against his. He would never get tired of kissing her. Never. And he prayed that that feeling of safety and home and softness and love would never fade.

"That's a shame." She let out a soft sigh as they separated, her head falling forward to rest against his bare chest. He could feel the tension in her shoulders, the way her body was still holding on to all the pain and anger and tragedy from the last two months. He hated himself for putting her in this position and he would never stop feeling guilty. No matter how many times she told him it wasn't his fault.

"I promise it was all good though." He whispered his words against her forehead as he eased her back onto her back, his body moving to hover over hers softly.

"That's good." He could hear the worry in her voice. The way her breath caught in her chest, the way her eyes softened as he ran his fingers down her arm, his hand entwining with hers as he dropped a kiss to her cheek.

"How long you plan on staying?" It wasn't the question he had planned to ask right then and there, but his heart was nervous and his stomach was in knots at the prospect of her leaving him again.

"Don't know." Her voice was so quiet that he could barely hear it over the rain hitting the window. "Depends on how long you want me here for."

He pulled his head back up from her neck at her words. He felt his breath catch in his chest, his eyes fighting off tears at what she had just laid out there for him. She was leaving this up to him, laying it all out there for him to fix, or destroy. He didn't know if he was strong enough for the responsibility of such a task. Not after everything they had been through. Not after everything he had done to her.

He felt her fingers trail down his chest, wrapping around the dog tags hanging from his neck, her index finger tracing the raised writing slowly. He wanted this moment to last forever. He never wanted the image of her, naked and sleepy, laying beneath him to ever go away. He felt his heart tighten as he saw the first tear fall from her eyes. He knew right then and there that he could never live without her. Not even if he tried.

"Well..." He dropped his forehead to hers, his fingers trailing through her hair and down her face, stopping to cup her cheek against his palm. "How does forever sound?"

She didn't reply with words, instead, she tangled her fingers back in his hair and dragged his lips back down to hers. She kissed him with a passion he didn't know she had, with one that he certainly could get used to experiencing, and he felt his whole world come crashing together. He would never let her go. Not for as long as he lived. No matter the consequences, no matter the losses, he was never giving her up.

Because for everything that Ethan had been through in his life, from losing his mom to losing his brother and everything in between, it had all lead to this. And he would forever cherish the feeling of finding himself here, in her. She was his home. She was his whole life. His saving grace. And he was never letting her go.

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